amrit

Like most of us, I too had a very loving family. Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa. But it all happened within a matter of years. This is how my story goes.

I lost my grandma in 2012. Within less than a year my mom died. I was only left with my grandpa and dad. But the worst had yet to come. They loved me a lot and did their best for making me feel not feel sad about my loss.

I am gay. Right after two moths my mom died, I came out to the remaining members of my family. Grandpa was more understanding, while it took my dad some time to accept me. Being a conservative Punjabi family, getting married is the ultimate goal for the eldest son, especially in situation like ours where no woman was there at home.

I explained how I can’t marry a girl. But for my dad, continuing the family was very important to pass on the property. He decided to get himself married and managed to persuade me to allow him.

My schooling was over, I joined college at SRM university and came all the way from Punjab to Chennai. The reason I decided to join a college so far away was the disturbed atmosphere at home. Dad and grandpa would get drunk everyday and shout at each other. My peace of mind was gone and I wanted to get away from there.

Meanwhile my dad got remarried while I was in my first semester. When I visit home during my first Diwali vacation, I met his wife. She seemed to be nice. Things appeared to be better. But…

In February this year, my grandpa got imprisoned in an accidental case. Dad took over all the responsibilities in his absence. When I visited the home after second semester, I found the whole thing changed completely. My dad was deeply in love with that woman that he left his job to spend time with her. He sold a part of his property even. He wouldn’t talk to me like he used to earlier. I found that all the belongings of my mom including all her photographs were destroyed. I spent that vacation sitting in the corner, watching TV most of the time. While the couple would go for an outing every single day. Grandpa’s absence hit the home severely.

Months passed. Dad’s love for me kept reducing. I fell badly sick last month. I had to go back to home for treatment. Dad’s wife would get mad on my medical expenses. He even told her that he is ready to ditch me if that’s what would keep her happy.

After coming to Chennai, I again fell sick and got hospitalized. I informed dad and he said, “how much do you need?” without bothering about my health for a second. I got no calls from him after that.

I call him regarding my academic and pocket expenses occasionally. I’m happy for him in one way that he at least doesn’t drink anymore and enjoys his life with his wife. But I lost my family. I have no one to get support from. No one who would eagerly ask my test scores like my mom did. Getting highest scores in the class doesn’t give me happiness since there’s no one who would appreciate me except my teachers.

I have no idea what I will be doing with my life after college. All this happened so suddenly that I just can’t digest the fact that I don’t have a family anymore. I feel the need of guidance, family support and elders who tell me what’s right and what’s wrong. I don’t want to get lost in my life. I don’t want to get on to the wrong paths.

I feel stressed most of the time about my loss. I really don’t know what to do. I see no purpose in life. I know time will heal everything but how much time it will take to teach me to live alone, that I have no idea about. For now, I desperately need love and support.