am1968

To my mother –

When I was little remember how I told you how much I loved you and I would never leave you? I want you to know I meant every word of it.. You always said I would leave you someday. I didn't understand. As time went by you became very controlling. there was 8 of us so I understand some of it. You spoon fed us, you bath us and dressed and undressed us before and after school but when you started ripping off our clothes and beating us I began to hold anger towards you not just for me but for the other siblings. I remember you choking my little sister until she passed out and then you threw her on the floor. You punched me in the face and broke my nose. I knew it had to stop some how.

I began to hate you! I prayed for God to give me a chance to stop it. I didn't know what to do, whom to talk with? I ran away but was picked up by police who would not hear me and took me back home and you beat me for over an hour. I went to school and tried my best to hide the marks and somehow ended up talking with the school counselor. That went on for months until you beat me real bad and choked me. That day the counselor called the police and I went to a shelter on Harry Hines. I told them I would tell them everything if they promised me I would never have to go home to you again.

That evening the police went back to the house and picked up all of the children and brought them to the shelter. I was glad and thought that would end it. Everyone decided to go home except me and then one of my brothers. I prayed all the time for God to stop the abuse and stop you then I heard the Judge was going to make my brother and I go back home. I was scared and prayed God would not let it happen and then I learned from a case worker that the judge died and this started the whole case all over again and my father went out of business and bankrupt and had no more money to force me to return home. I was happy to go into foster homes but I felt guilty about all that happened.

I know you wanted to beat me for speaking out but thank God you weren't able to do that anymore. Some things I will never forget like; when you made me eat 3 bottles of children's baby aspirin and beat me for hours because you thought I had got into them. The night before but it was the girls not me who got into them. I remember I bled from head to toe if dad had not come home I believe you would have continued to beat me. I remember dad came by the house and into the bathroom where I was sitting on the potty chair and just looked at me. Remember? How about the time I said DARN IT? You made me drink half a bottle of dish washing soap and then called poison control to see if I was going to die. How about when you were spoon feeding us oatmeal in the bath-tub and I was sick and threw up in the big bowl and you got mad and jerked the towel down and the rack cut my stomach open and you taped me up with a box of band-aids.

It's hard to forgive all the stuff you did and then you dare to hold a grudge against me all these years saying I made a mistake and should be sorry for ruining the family because I talked with child welfare?! What family? You even lied to dad about some of the times you beat us, saying we did something bad and needed to be punished and he beat us again. He knocked me and other siblings around over nothing and when my father came down with cancer I was there trying to help him even though he held a grudge, anger and hatred for me because I EXPOSED the abuse to the school councilor and then to Child Welfare case workers. Dad said I help him because I felt guilty for being a whistle blower. I finally told him I helped him out of human kindness! He never forgave me either.

I did not know when he died, the other sibling who knew didn't bother to tell me because he and I were not on speaking terms. You know, I hated child-welfare but what choice did I have at 13. To this day I have come across many mean controlling women like you who have done all kinds of stuff to me like filing false charges on me, Got me fired several times and because of women I am almost homeless after someone like you didn't like my yard in a HOA ordeal and I lost the house over the lies. I bought the house with one woman that was good to me but she came down with cancer and I watched her die on Xmas morning. She was the only woman I ever had a chance for a life time relationship with and now she was gone and I could not save her. I was traumatized over her loss.

After that I had a crazy aggressive female neighbor stalk the house because I didn't have the money to fix up the outside. She knew I lost my job and ended up on disability and meds for grief and guilt after watching Michelle whom I bought the house with die from cancer issues. We had started many projects on the house including cutting down several Hack-Berry trees and many neighbors attacked us for that. 2 Sets of neighbors began stalking the house and I could never get them to leave us alone. The women next door wanted me to move because I didn't do any type of landscaping on the house. She made my house her business. I was in so much emotional grief and Guilt and could not find long term work to pay for up-keep on the house. I would have lost the place if the mother in law had not stayed there with me.

This woman called police many times making up stuff just to harass me. She also called the city on us to and other places and there was nothing I could do about it. I hate HOA's. The meds I was taking were for someone who was Bipolar and I had PTSD issues and the side effects from the wrong treatment made it very hard to walk away from this one woman who would yell at us all the time. I answered back to her and she got charges on me. Her and another neighbor she hung around with finally got charges on me and had the judge evict me out of my own house. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?? I lost the friendship, roommate setup with the mother of Michelle, I lost and had to re-home 3 dogs, another one died. I had to sell the house of 15 years to an investor because the judge let the HOA have their way.

I kept one dog and she loves me and I love her. I am afraid of women and don't want anything to do with them now unless it's on Face-Book or in passing while out at the store etc. I am almost homeless and renting where ever I can. I am on probation for something I did not do. Because of disability or a fixed income I was not able to find a good lawyer who would take my case with out wanting a large amount of money up front. After this ordeal I do not feel I am a fit for women and all they have to do is make up a charge and I go to jail. Well, thank God for dogs… At present I feel worthless, my credit is bad, I may never own another house, I miss my other dogs and Sandy the mother of Michelle I bought the house with. Sandy was good to me!

HOA's have to much power and they don't care about lying and doing whatever they want to get rid of someone. I lost all of Michelle's furniture and personal effects. We had a few birds too and I had to give them away to the Velvet Snort who found homes for them. Now, I can't help but grieve over all I have lost!! Nobody cares MOM!! Not even you! I have been homeless several times but this is one of the worst, painful ordeals I have even gone through. I need a fresh start, my own place with little CC. Sandy was good to me and like family I never had. I wish I could have had a mother who really cared. I know you hate me still but I was a kid and traumatized by what you did to me and the other siblings! I have been through all kinds of hell and set backs since I left home. Remember when I ended up homeless a few times and showed up on your door step. You found small things to attack me over and kicked me out with no where to go. Well, your abuse has left a lasting impression on me and you win. I am down to just about nothing now!! My car is old and I worry about it breaking down on me..

That's all I have to say right now. Mom… I hate you for not understanding that I did what I had to do. I was afraid you would kill one of us. Remember how you stuck a knife to Aaron's throat or how about when you choke Angela off the floor and then threw her down and she was passed out. Somebody had to stand up and speak out. I never made anything up! I spoke the truth just like I did with the HOA people and I was the one attacked by them for it. It was wrong what they did to me! Now, there is nothing I can do about it… The house, the other dogs, Michelle's stuff and mother are all gone. I realize now I have to be very careful to avoid mean controlling, abusive women like you and so many I have come in contact with in the past. I miss the house, other pets, mother in law. Sandy was the only decent woman I have ever known… The fear of being homeless is with me all the time now.