Imactually16

My both parents are alcoholic. Father has been like this ever since I know him and my mother started when I was around 10-12 years old. I live in East Europe by the way.

My father never wanted to change never cared, about me or about mom. He's careless about everything he never asked me If I need anything, if I would like something he could get me, never cared about my needs. He doesn't even want to go to work, my mom does, all he's doing is going in neighbors to give a hand and drink all the money.

I tried so many times I to help him( he's epileptic). To get him to a centre. Even my family relatives have. He just doesn't want to, doesn't want to change himself, he thinks he's alright. Think that all is happening is okay. He's the reason I'm not so close to my relatives. I lost all support I could get because of him. I don't even bear his name, his identity card was expired when I was born. Theoretically I don't have a father. I don't know why I'm still calling him dad. Even if you donated sperm that doesn't make you my dad. You can't even be a regular person.

"Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling to fill that hole, it can leave a would that is not easily healed" (Roland Wanrren). I felt that myself and even feel it at this age. Feels like it driving me crazy, like I never had someone to teach me what's good and what's bad.

"Some may say love is all you need but what I need is a daddy" (Krysta Marcoux)
I totally agree with that. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Every time I see a happy family or someone who's talking about their dad and how proud they are, it makes me feel think about it. I think how my life would have been if I had such a person on my side but in the end when I see what I really have and I get depressed, blame, cry, yell in my own myself but no one hear me. No one can hear me. Even since I realized what is really happening in my life.
Is this my fault? What have I done to deserve this? It's not like a had a choice when I was born.

"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a fathers protection" (Sigmund Freud)
I still do. Still feel that I still need that person. Feel that he wasn't there for me and need to be. I think about how would my life be if I had a good father. How would he talk to me, how would we spend time together, what would we do. how would I could have told him how much I love him.
Every night I'm going to bed I hold tight my pillow imagine it's my father's chest and sleep on it. Tell him how I feel and feel him I respect and appreciate for what he is. Sounds crazy and strange doesn't it? Well I think that myself. I'm feeling so incomplete.

Now I'm 16 and still feel the need for a father. I hate it, but can't change it, some other say that it'll get better for you, you'll be doing fine without a father. I don't believe that, no matter how much I want I know that my good father absence affected me and it will forever. It won't change.The situation may change. Not me.
I would risk anything for a father's love. I would spare half of my life only to feel how's that like. I have tried to search for a man's love in other places but they already got their families and can't do it. Those who don't have a family don't have the needs for doing it. Is there any solution for me? Are out there people who would do it?…

If you're asking about if I have told to my father what I feel like and what I wrote here, well I did, but I guess he wasn't paying attention or didn't care. I always got only a "we'll talk tomorrow".

About my mother, she use to be a good and kind person before. I use to talk with her about everything and we get along so well together but since my grandma died she started drinking like my father. She's a quiet and calm person wen she's not drunk, she doesn't want to have argues or fights, but that happen very rarely. Most of the times when she get home she start drinking and getting done for. Se starts yelling and fighting with me about my attitude and school things. Most of them useless and unimportant.

Sometimes I just hate her. Can't stand when she throws bad words at me. She even blames me for what's happening to her? Sometimes I wonder myself what have I done wrong. I don't think I have done anything to her. We barely talk because of her behavior. Sometimes I shut up and say nothing because I know she'll make an argue out of it.

I have been trying to talk to her when she's not drunk. She keep saying that it's not her fault and that she shouldn't be my only support. Sometimes even blames me. Even tough she knows my father is a careless person with us both she still use him a excuse for how's the situation affecting me. She doesn't want to moe out because she got no where to go. She prefers to stay here and suffer just as I do.

Thank you for your time reading my story. Have a good day!