Tammy

I'm 52, have 2 grown children, one away at college and one out of the house on his own working. Responsible, good kids. Lived in the same house since before my son was born in 1990, now just me. Been divorced for 13 years, have had relationships, one for several years, but they did not end up working out. Finally feeling good about myself most of the time, after years of emotional beating down, thanks to years of counseling off and on, and becoming a stronger person, i am ok with who I am now. I grew up on a farm and at that time I felt inadequate to pretty much anything or anyone. My parents are still married and both alive, and good people. But never felt like I belonged and longed to have someone in my life that thought I was ok and special.. worthy without being someone different than I was/am. I have 2 sisters, one not even a year younger than I, the other 2 years younger than me and a brother 9 years younger than me. We all live very close and get along well although all have done better financially in life than I, which makes me feel lesser. They have all been married to their spouses for a long time and no one divorced in family except me.
I am a compassionate, caring, feeling person, and I feel that everything I have went through would be absolutely worth it if I could just help others using what I have went through. I would love to help girls/women KNOW that they do not HAVE to be in a mentally, emotionally or physically abusive relationship. And I feel that if girls had more self confidence they would not get into those type of relationships initially. I want them to know they are not alone, they ARE strong enough and good enough, and that they CAN make it without anyone beating them down.
Growing up I did not feel I fit in because I had emotions and it was not ok to show (or even have) emotions. Both parents were nice, but now I know that emotionally I was starved. It wasn’t how they were, nor how they were raised. I don’t know where I came from! Lol I definitely felt like the oddball and different from everyone else in the family, like I didn’t belong. I catch myself feeling bad if I say anything slightly negative about my gowning up or parents, because I was fortunate compared to so many others. We did not have much money at all, but I had clothes and shoes. Hmm, life hasn’t changed much for me financially over the years I realize. Lol
I work doing home health care for a mentally disabled lady in her home. Prior to this I worked as a bank teller, but it was not fulfilling in the least, it is just income that got me closer to paying the bills. I’m more of the creative type. My dream job would be talking to girls making sure they understand they are worthy and to never let a man or anyone else treat them badly. I love older people too, and hate that they live their whole lives, doing so much, only to so often end up in a sad nursing home not being able to take care of themselves. I wish there was something, someway to change things so that even if they are not able to take care of themselves anymore they can still feel worthy and valuable for something or to someone.
I have an entrepreneurial spirit, and lots of ideas, just not the confidence or security to go through with most. I did start doing photography on my own several years ago, because I enjoy it and to help pay the bills. I guess I’m pretty good, but I am told I am to critical of myself.
I feel pretty alone as far as taking care of everything myself, I don’t get help, I don’t ask for help. I realized it is easier to try to somehow take care of things on my own than feel the rejected feeling when I did ask my dad for help and he never had time or told me to figure it out on my own. That hurt a lot. So I rarely ask for help, and it feels like I am a failure if I have to.
Blah, blah, we could all go on and complain all day. Actually I wasn’t complaining, just giving a very brief synopsis of my life.
And finding this site.. my grandest hope would be that I would feel worthy, valuable and special to someone, that I wouldn’t have to be alone trying to figure out how to make it though this life. Someone older and wiser would care about me. To not feel like I am all I have to count on in this world.
I apologize that this is not written perfectly or grammatically correct. I know that I cannot go back over and proof read it or I will end up making so many changes I will never get it posted on the site! I have learned a few things about myself over the years! 